Pain, make your way to me, to me

That’s What You Get - Paramore

No sir, well I don’t wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It’s your turn, so take a seat we’re settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can’t decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense away with the sound of its beating.
And that’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

-

This song had been the soundtrack of the last few days in school. (However, we only sang that phrase cause that’s the only words that we know. Well, for the record, they sang those phrases quite a lot anyways!)

“That’s what you get when you let your heart win. WHOA. That’s what you get when you let your heart win, WHOA.”

“What do you get when you let your heart win?” Zaf had said at one point.

Without missing a beat, I said, “You become a loser like me.”

You know, sometimes the first words that come out of your mouth are really like straight from the heart? Sad.

My heart wins all the time.

Had always won all the time.

Well I’m sick of it. I’m finally telling me to fucking take a break :\

Disneyland is not a country please

Thank you very nice cause I cannot induce any more humiliation upon myself after what happened today. I cannot face nobody!!!!!!!!!!! If only you were a stranger I could disengage. The word Fuck was very visibly etched on my face, evaporating from every pore. Seriously let me just cry right now. Better yet. Just let me be in solitary. Hey. Solitary requires a certain confidence k. Loners are way cooler than you think. Don’t look up just let them think there’s no place else you’d rather be. Sure it gets a bit quiet in here. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY MP3 ROSAK CAUSE SYAKI DROPPED IT INTO A CUP OF MILO. THANKS EH. I’m wireless-less &mp3less.

Yea I’m in school right now. Using the Eplaza. I’m still an NYP student til graduation next year k. (Wah. Exam belom dah think about graduation. Onward, Lela!)

I saw Dr. P just now:*) He had me at hello. He always have me at hello. That, or when he’s doing his runs:*)

Sab’s in the library. With her friend. Urmph.

Nevertheless, my morning had been pretty meaningful(1:50pm right now) &I ain’t talking about the mugging.

You know what they say you can’t have it so you want it back

So I thought it was just another ordinary Friday in school…

I was early so naturally I headed to the locker to get Aisya Farid’s book for her. But Evelyn had beat me to it…heh. Idk, if there’s anyone of there with more (displaced) initiative than me, it would be Evelyn. &I ain’t saying that just because it’s her 19TH BIRTHDAY TODAY WHEEE! Anyways. I was still trying to reach Farid, when I felt the phone vibrating. I glanced at the screen. 2 messages received. One was from Kama, the other was ..from someone not in my contacts la.

I could read the first three words of the message &it said, “Happy Nurses’ Day…” I thought it was a message from the SHS to all nursing students or something. Not saying I was totally disinterested after that, but more like, Yea OK kindar air. But still felt obliged to read the full message anyways.

&my heart stopped.

I read the message again. Stared at the name at the end of the message. Blinked. Hard. I realized my mouth was dry. Because my jaw was open. I closed my mouth and swallowed. Tried to shake off the sudden numbness that was taking over my body. Deep breath. Read the message again. Like dejavu, it evoked the same reactions as when I first read it. Eyes bulged jaw dropped heart stopped. Tempted to grab a passer-by by the shoulders &make him read the message to me out loud. Just to make sure.

This is no forward text from some Doris Chan.

“Wait. Before that, what day is it today?”

It’s Tuesday. SO WE GELARE-D! Cannot face another chocolate for the next 2weeks la, please. (Yea right.) This is kindar like a celebration la. Since we’re finished with our assessment, &we’re about done with our presentations.

Actually no la..it just felt funny having nothing to do after school. There was at one point we were like, eh why we stay back uh. Cause we were just too used to leaving the school as late as 8. But it was 2pm &we were like eh wtf??We can go home already!!

We had an (unintentional,) open, controversial conversations about sex, &blow jobs &masturbation while downing ice cream &waffles. Very refreshing=) We’re young &curious. (&one of us?Clueless.HAHA!)

This is the life, I was thinking, &I was downing down ice cubes under the scorching sun with Kama. &now &then eyeing Zaffy &Aisya Farid in amusement as they joked around with one another. Then one of us mentioned something the presentations &we were like, shit! But very leaderly(!?!), I reassured them that we would handle it tomorrow.

I will miss this life.

This morning was like hell. Agaaaaain, I left the house way too early just to get the fuck away from the crazy mother.

It was all because Andy canceled today’s tutorial.

Time now: 11.37pm, 24th July

We were like Nomads. Moving from place to place to do our project. BECAUSE ANDY CANCELED TODAY’S TUTE, SO IT WAS LIKE, WTF ARE WE GUNNA DO TILL HUIFEN’S PRESENTATION LATER AT 5? Since it was the start of practical assessment, we had 2hours ‘free’ la. So that was 4hours of ‘free time’.

The first hour: lunch. But something happened along the way (I think cause the snacks dispenser/vending machine didn’t have my favourite snack no more), then I lost my groove. Then I remembered wishing I had someone to look forward to(i.e. eye candy) around school for obvious reasons(I am desperate not). But all I have was Dr. Param. No I don’t. I’m just saying that so as not to appear completely pathetic &sad. Not working. Doesn’t help that Andy’s lecture today was about looooove. Idk. We did miss the introduction. Again.

Heys *me*

I feel a longing when you’re around. I need you in some way I don’t fully understand. It’s true that a day doesn’t pass by without having thought about you. You visit my mind often. I read somewhere that being ‘in love’ and ‘infatuation’ are different ways to classify the same thing. In that case, I am in love with you. It depresses me when you’re around. But also when you’re not.

And here I am now. Writing months afterwards. And it is still true that I think of you every day. And I still long for you. You have left me with a pain that will not go away. I realise now. That the pain will stay.

I stopped talking about you a long time ago. Those who I tried to express my feelings to did not take me seriously . Some tried, (wisely I suppose), to point out I was obsessing. As if I didn’t know. Problem is I don’t obsess in general. I obsess in particular. I miss you. Some have tried making fun of my feelings (whether purposefully or not I don’t know). That hurt. I express feelings that run deep. Perhaps in a passing remark that could be easily missed. Still.

EDITED: In all shades of gorgeous

Post FYP.

Hello, my friends. Another week coming to an end already. I’m making it a habit to bring my camera every day to school, because you may never know what you’re gunna get. I have this shit idea, of passing my camera around, &let them take whatever picture they wanna take. For example, of themselves, what they are having for lunch, their notes, etc. &then return it to me at the end of the day.

But idk, I find it hard to trust people nows-aday… *shifty eyes* Kids these days are very naughty, &are always up to something sneaky. Like, idk..lock you from outside your toilet cubicle? Idk, you tell me.

I learnt something about myself today from Andy’s lecture.

How come we name our final FYP slides after Loi?

Time now: 2freakingAM, please?

Laugh out loud. I am a freak. Slap me. Sue me. Hate me. Marry me(Farid had). Roll your eyes at me(Zaf does). Stare blankly at me &go, the hell, Lela?

Oh ya. I’m such a muthafucking liar. Please don’t believe anything I said =) Translation: please, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE see right through me =( &then ask me again. Don’t make me spell it out for you.

Here is Lela Ismail at 2freakingAM. Been warned.

I think Jenny is gorgeous:)) Maybe I’m biased la. Cause I love the way she shrieks my name when she spots me from far. Yup, I’m definitely biased to people who..can pronounce my name… ……

I had a ‘plan’, but Andy ruined it when he asked my group mates if he could ‘borrow’ me for 5minutes. It was 3.30pm &we were at the Eplaza doing our shit. I was like Looking at him like, “NO, Andy, let’s meet at 5 like we said so.” I was trying to make faces at him without my mates getting suspicious.

Dreamy Idealist

(Just visiting? Take the free test and determine your personality type!)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

These subjects could interest youl

literature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary work

-

Disclaimer: Accurate shit! WHO’S A DREAMY IDEALIST LIKE ME? (Please share YOUR results:D!! Can check compatibility lei.)

&then there were 2

7:25pm
NYP Eplaza.

We’ve been here since 1 today. &then Zaf left at 5. Lidan at 6:30. Aisya 15minutes ago. &then there were 2. Just me &my Insane Woman. She’s taking over my hot seat to deal with them slides now. I’ve had enough. Hence.

Management sucks balls.

-

8:03pm
NYP Eplaza

Ha-ha.

We just saw this coolest website. Re-inspired. I can see it already..how cool OUR website’s gunna be. To add to the anticipation(&pressure), Loi’s like damn excited la. Totally digs our FYP. “Impressive,” she said, nodding her head appraisingly, after I had more or less gave her a brief summary of what we are(trying to) do.

All of us were like, “Come again?????????”

“Can I see your website? Before you confirm it,” she was saying. “Then I can give some constructive criticism to help you improve before you present to NgSE…” Wah. Loi so nice. Then we found out why: “Can you help design my website?” ..

Time now: 8:21pm.

KAMA, I WANNA GO HOME ALREADY.

Let’s get some fries first, shally?

-

9:29pm
ROOM!!!!!!!!!!(:

Home sweet home.

Protected: I don’t know where to run

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This is my 304th entry, damn it

Dear Lina, how’s Hong Kong? Guess you’ll be home tomorrow So many things have happened this week. Hmm, my phone was stolen. &I bought a new camera! I’m into origami hearts(folded my 67th), Kila’s into sewing cause she managed to fix Gmum’s old sewing machine &now she’s pinned(ha-ha). No, I definitely haven’t turned your bed into my little creative zone. Are you kidding? Your bed’s supposedly off limits, right?

Hehe have you tasted it?

Well, taste it already

YUP THAT’S MY NEW BABY UP THERE.

I know it’s nothing like what I had intended to buy la. Omg at that… I went to Courts: “S5IS no stock liao.” The 2nd store: “No more selling lei.” I was in tears when I stepped into the 3rd store: “HAHAHA,” the dude laughed at me. “Old camera alreadyyy la.”

“WHYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.” Hung my head on the table &mumbled something incoherently. It occurred it me suddenly how I really don’t care if it’s an old model or what. I like it, means I like it.

Wilie (he who laughed at me) said in an attempt to make me feel better, “Add a few more hundreds can buy SLR already.” &a Nikon SLR came into my view. I pushed it away. “I’m a Canon user,” I said without lifting my head off the table. Killer patted me on the shoulder comfortingly. Patting increased in velocity &power. Lost all purpose of comfort… I think she was telling me something about trying out a new model, go out of my comfort zone. That kindar bullshit crap.

But in the end I caved in anyways I took the Nikon in my hand &gave it a shot. Not bad la…… But 6mp only. He showed me a Sony SLR. Wicked shit, I tell you. “Sony is catching up with Canon,” Wilie said. “But Canon still in the lead.” Aherm. I felt a surge of pride. I was feeling better already.

He showed me the Canon Powershot A650 IS. I didn’t like at first cause it of its colour. &it’s not viewfinder friendly. “This is better than that Nikon SLR, or the S5IS you wanted to get.” Chuckle. How dare he mocked me.

He took a macro shot of his pen &compared it with the Nikon’s shot. The difference was astoundingly obvious, if it had a mouth it would laugh in my face &gave Wilie a run for his money. (Idk what I’m talking about here.) “Cheap, some more,” he said. Nikon SLR was $1899. Cheap is good. Cheap is always good.

Then he talked about the free gifts. &how he was throwing in a Canon printer at $199. THE NON-INK KIND LEI. THE ONE YOU CAN BRING ALONG ANYWHERE YOU ARE. IT’S THAT SMALL &CONVENIENT. “Inclusive of 3dry cartridges &108printing paper FREE, & $30 Takashimaya voucher. PLUS Bluetooth adapter, to print pictures from your phone-” At this point I HAH-ed.

“So how?”