Pain, make your way to me, to me

That’s What You Get - Paramore

No sir, well I don’t wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It’s your turn, so take a seat we’re settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can’t decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense away with the sound of its beating.
And that’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

-

This song had been the soundtrack of the last few days in school. (However, we only sang that phrase cause that’s the only words that we know. Well, for the record, they sang those phrases quite a lot anyways!)

“That’s what you get when you let your heart win. WHOA. That’s what you get when you let your heart win, WHOA.”

“What do you get when you let your heart win?” Zaf had said at one point.

Without missing a beat, I said, “You become a loser like me.”

You know, sometimes the first words that come out of your mouth are really like straight from the heart? Sad.

My heart wins all the time.

Had always won all the time.

Well I’m sick of it. I’m finally telling me to fucking take a break :\

F.O on me

My mp3 fucked up on me. Don’t ask why cause idk also. Haprak punyer mp3. Seriously la..either you get a good, expensive one, OR DON’T GET IT AT ALL. Tapi takpurr. It was perfect while it lasted. Relying on the FM radio for music now… It’s awright, except sometimes when I tuned in to Dan &Young in the morning, I ended up smiling to myself in the bus.

Later in the day:

Syaki’s sms: “Babat boy jumped off the shelf &landed on the computer table. Some computer plugs came off. Think the Mio/Modem affected. Laptop &computer both not working.”

I remembered thinking, thank GOD presentations over. Won’t be needing the internet hence.

I can live without internet.

You know what they say you can’t have it so you want it back

So I thought it was just another ordinary Friday in school…

I was early so naturally I headed to the locker to get Aisya Farid’s book for her. But Evelyn had beat me to it…heh. Idk, if there’s anyone of there with more (displaced) initiative than me, it would be Evelyn. &I ain’t saying that just because it’s her 19TH BIRTHDAY TODAY WHEEE! Anyways. I was still trying to reach Farid, when I felt the phone vibrating. I glanced at the screen. 2 messages received. One was from Kama, the other was ..from someone not in my contacts la.

I could read the first three words of the message &it said, “Happy Nurses’ Day…” I thought it was a message from the SHS to all nursing students or something. Not saying I was totally disinterested after that, but more like, Yea OK kindar air. But still felt obliged to read the full message anyways.

&my heart stopped.

I read the message again. Stared at the name at the end of the message. Blinked. Hard. I realized my mouth was dry. Because my jaw was open. I closed my mouth and swallowed. Tried to shake off the sudden numbness that was taking over my body. Deep breath. Read the message again. Like dejavu, it evoked the same reactions as when I first read it. Eyes bulged jaw dropped heart stopped. Tempted to grab a passer-by by the shoulders &make him read the message to me out loud. Just to make sure.

This is no forward text from some Doris Chan.

It was all because Andy canceled today’s tutorial.

Time now: 11.37pm, 24th July

We were like Nomads. Moving from place to place to do our project. BECAUSE ANDY CANCELED TODAY’S TUTE, SO IT WAS LIKE, WTF ARE WE GUNNA DO TILL HUIFEN’S PRESENTATION LATER AT 5? Since it was the start of practical assessment, we had 2hours ‘free’ la. So that was 4hours of ‘free time’.

The first hour: lunch. But something happened along the way (I think cause the snacks dispenser/vending machine didn’t have my favourite snack no more), then I lost my groove. Then I remembered wishing I had someone to look forward to(i.e. eye candy) around school for obvious reasons(I am desperate not). But all I have was Dr. Param. No I don’t. I’m just saying that so as not to appear completely pathetic &sad. Not working. Doesn’t help that Andy’s lecture today was about looooove. Idk. We did miss the introduction. Again.

Heys *me*

I feel a longing when you’re around. I need you in some way I don’t fully understand. It’s true that a day doesn’t pass by without having thought about you. You visit my mind often. I read somewhere that being ‘in love’ and ‘infatuation’ are different ways to classify the same thing. In that case, I am in love with you. It depresses me when you’re around. But also when you’re not.

And here I am now. Writing months afterwards. And it is still true that I think of you every day. And I still long for you. You have left me with a pain that will not go away. I realise now. That the pain will stay.

I stopped talking about you a long time ago. Those who I tried to express my feelings to did not take me seriously . Some tried, (wisely I suppose), to point out I was obsessing. As if I didn’t know. Problem is I don’t obsess in general. I obsess in particular. I miss you. Some have tried making fun of my feelings (whether purposefully or not I don’t know). That hurt. I express feelings that run deep. Perhaps in a passing remark that could be easily missed. Still.

Snapshots of clarity

I spent an even longer time at BK Novena with Mohd Rasheedi (not Iteq) today.

“He had tubes all over him. He even had one coming out of his penis!” he was sharing. When I didn’t look even a little bit affected the way he did, he was like, “You seen worst?”

I was all nonchalant &everything. &anti-climatically I told him, “Tube out of penis is normal.”

His reaction: priceless. I still don’t know what’s funnier. That, or the story of that amah he helped who dropped her pants in front of him. Eh salah. Whose pants dropped in front of him

It is normal. Almost every patient I knew from a Geriatric ward had a urine catheter on. Yes, Rash, it’s called a urine catheter. We’ve already discussed how the tube manage to stay intact up the penis..”It’s really in the bladder neck.” Collective image above our heads of an inflated end of a tube stuck in someone’s bladder, except he was shuddering &I was just smiling wistfully to myself.

Listening to him talk about his life as a porter (eh..not life la, omg, I’m cursing him…) makes me realize how much I miss the hospital.

Something like you

EDITED: In all shades of gorgeous

Post FYP.

Hello, my friends. Another week coming to an end already. I’m making it a habit to bring my camera every day to school, because you may never know what you’re gunna get. I have this shit idea, of passing my camera around, &let them take whatever picture they wanna take. For example, of themselves, what they are having for lunch, their notes, etc. &then return it to me at the end of the day.

But idk, I find it hard to trust people nows-aday… *shifty eyes* Kids these days are very naughty, &are always up to something sneaky. Like, idk..lock you from outside your toilet cubicle? Idk, you tell me.

I learnt something about myself today from Andy’s lecture.

My neighbours can see my tits, well he will survive it

Another thing to add to my before-I-mati list: grab a couple of sexy, (daring, nothing-better-to-do) friends &make a video to Stereo Total’s I Am Naked [Ich Bin Nackt].

Don’t ask how I came across it la eh Just put it this way: I pulled a Joan

I am naked… mmh mmh
All naked… so what?
That’s the way my mother made me, okay?

Lyrics here!!

German version here!!!!!

How come we name our final FYP slides after Loi?

Time now: 2freakingAM, please?

Laugh out loud. I am a freak. Slap me. Sue me. Hate me. Marry me(Farid had). Roll your eyes at me(Zaf does). Stare blankly at me &go, the hell, Lela?

Oh ya. I’m such a muthafucking liar. Please don’t believe anything I said =) Translation: please, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE see right through me =( &then ask me again. Don’t make me spell it out for you.

Here is Lela Ismail at 2freakingAM. Been warned.

I think Jenny is gorgeous:)) Maybe I’m biased la. Cause I love the way she shrieks my name when she spots me from far. Yup, I’m definitely biased to people who..can pronounce my name… ……

I had a ‘plan’, but Andy ruined it when he asked my group mates if he could ‘borrow’ me for 5minutes. It was 3.30pm &we were at the Eplaza doing our shit. I was like Looking at him like, “NO, Andy, let’s meet at 5 like we said so.” I was trying to make faces at him without my mates getting suspicious.

Of couse it’s because I’m cool

OOOOOOOHHH I kindar just set up My Johari Window over there on the side I’d truly appreciate if you’d participate… IT WOULD BE A REALLY GREAT BIRTHDAY GIFT. You can remain anonymous if you want! EHEHEH THANK YOU ILY! Ya, ya I know we already did the activity during Andy’s tutorial today, but come onnnn. Though I appreciate all the wonderful compliments you scribbled on the piece of paper that’s been scotchtaped thrice to my back(stupid shit cannot stick), I believe you are more creative than that CHEY LELA TAK PUAS HATI.

You’d be surprised the words your friends use to describe you. I was. Pleasantly surprised. WHOAA I AM COOL?????????? Nobody else in class is labeled cool except yours truly. Kekeke.

“Curly!” Yuwen hollered, albeit belated.

“Hahah can also la.”

Cinta mati

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

Home.

My family can be an annoying bunch. Sometimes I want to run away from them, far far far away. &violently disregard any sort of association with them. Ah, what else is new. (Practice some discretion, guyssss…seriously.)

My friends can be a (cute) annoying bunch as well. Ah, idk how else to put this. My peripheral vision is still pretty much intact, guys. Ehehe. Takpurr la. Looking forward to..this Saturday.

“Have a good weekend, guys!” Wee exclaimed before she left. I was like, pfft. But Zaf was all optimistic. “Of course,” she said with a conspiratorial wink. Then I reflected: “OH YA HOR.” Zaf found it terribly amusing that SHE had to remind me of my birthday. Wow. I guess I’m way too caught up with bullshit that is school &presentation.

Speaking of which:

dkgjsakgj kasjg a’gksfgagjsjn jgsajgajg ajfojghfgajkg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!x1928u curyh!

K moving on

I’m sorry I cut my hair

I’m sorry cause I only managed to complete my report today. I didn’t touch the presentation on VRE Management, nor did I even THINK about the video for the website. (This is where Farid will let out a furious cry, “LELA!!! APER PUNYER LEADER NIE???”)

Oh well. I did went out to shoot. Well, define out.

More here.

Oh ya. I wasn’t kidding about the title. I am sorry I cut my hair(just recently Eve complimented on how feminine I looked. &then I went around &did this: