Pain, make your way to me, to me

That’s What You Get - Paramore

No sir, well I don’t wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It’s your turn, so take a seat we’re settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can’t decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense away with the sound of its beating.
And that’s what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

-

This song had been the soundtrack of the last few days in school. (However, we only sang that phrase cause that’s the only words that we know. Well, for the record, they sang those phrases quite a lot anyways!)

“That’s what you get when you let your heart win. WHOA. That’s what you get when you let your heart win, WHOA.”

“What do you get when you let your heart win?” Zaf had said at one point.

Without missing a beat, I said, “You become a loser like me.”

You know, sometimes the first words that come out of your mouth are really like straight from the heart? Sad.

My heart wins all the time.

Had always won all the time.

Well I’m sick of it. I’m finally telling me to fucking take a break :\

Disneyland is not a country please

Thank you very nice cause I cannot induce any more humiliation upon myself after what happened today. I cannot face nobody!!!!!!!!!!! If only you were a stranger I could disengage. The word Fuck was very visibly etched on my face, evaporating from every pore. Seriously let me just cry right now. Better yet. Just let me be in solitary. Hey. Solitary requires a certain confidence k. Loners are way cooler than you think. Don’t look up just let them think there’s no place else you’d rather be. Sure it gets a bit quiet in here. ESPECIALLY SINCE MY MP3 ROSAK CAUSE SYAKI DROPPED IT INTO A CUP OF MILO. THANKS EH. I’m wireless-less &mp3less.

Yea I’m in school right now. Using the Eplaza. I’m still an NYP student til graduation next year k. (Wah. Exam belom dah think about graduation. Onward, Lela!)

I saw Dr. P just now:*) He had me at hello. He always have me at hello. That, or when he’s doing his runs:*)

Sab’s in the library. With her friend. Urmph.

Nevertheless, my morning had been pretty meaningful(1:50pm right now) &I ain’t talking about the mugging.

Under a spell I just can’t break

You know the feeling. Like your chest gunna tear open &send your heart soaring into the sky. Your body gets as light as feather &you’re floating. It’s scary; you wanna hold on. You’re not ready. But it’s freeing. Cause you know, it’s only gunna get sweeter from here.

F.O on me

My mp3 fucked up on me. Don’t ask why cause idk also. Haprak punyer mp3. Seriously la..either you get a good, expensive one, OR DON’T GET IT AT ALL. Tapi takpurr. It was perfect while it lasted. Relying on the FM radio for music now… It’s awright, except sometimes when I tuned in to Dan &Young in the morning, I ended up smiling to myself in the bus.

Later in the day:

Syaki’s sms: “Babat boy jumped off the shelf &landed on the computer table. Some computer plugs came off. Think the Mio/Modem affected. Laptop &computer both not working.”

I remembered thinking, thank GOD presentations over. Won’t be needing the internet hence.

I can live without internet.

You know what they say you can’t have it so you want it back

So I thought it was just another ordinary Friday in school…

I was early so naturally I headed to the locker to get Aisya Farid’s book for her. But Evelyn had beat me to it…heh. Idk, if there’s anyone of there with more (displaced) initiative than me, it would be Evelyn. &I ain’t saying that just because it’s her 19TH BIRTHDAY TODAY WHEEE! Anyways. I was still trying to reach Farid, when I felt the phone vibrating. I glanced at the screen. 2 messages received. One was from Kama, the other was ..from someone not in my contacts la.

I could read the first three words of the message &it said, “Happy Nurses’ Day…” I thought it was a message from the SHS to all nursing students or something. Not saying I was totally disinterested after that, but more like, Yea OK kindar air. But still felt obliged to read the full message anyways.

&my heart stopped.

I read the message again. Stared at the name at the end of the message. Blinked. Hard. I realized my mouth was dry. Because my jaw was open. I closed my mouth and swallowed. Tried to shake off the sudden numbness that was taking over my body. Deep breath. Read the message again. Like dejavu, it evoked the same reactions as when I first read it. Eyes bulged jaw dropped heart stopped. Tempted to grab a passer-by by the shoulders &make him read the message to me out loud. Just to make sure.

This is no forward text from some Doris Chan.

“Wait. Before that, what day is it today?”

It’s Tuesday. SO WE GELARE-D! Cannot face another chocolate for the next 2weeks la, please. (Yea right.) This is kindar like a celebration la. Since we’re finished with our assessment, &we’re about done with our presentations.

Actually no la..it just felt funny having nothing to do after school. There was at one point we were like, eh why we stay back uh. Cause we were just too used to leaving the school as late as 8. But it was 2pm &we were like eh wtf??We can go home already!!

We had an (unintentional,) open, controversial conversations about sex, &blow jobs &masturbation while downing ice cream &waffles. Very refreshing=) We’re young &curious. (&one of us?Clueless.HAHA!)

This is the life, I was thinking, &I was downing down ice cubes under the scorching sun with Kama. &now &then eyeing Zaffy &Aisya Farid in amusement as they joked around with one another. Then one of us mentioned something the presentations &we were like, shit! But very leaderly(!?!), I reassured them that we would handle it tomorrow.

I will miss this life.

This morning was like hell. Agaaaaain, I left the house way too early just to get the fuck away from the crazy mother.

It was all because Andy canceled today’s tutorial.

Time now: 11.37pm, 24th July

We were like Nomads. Moving from place to place to do our project. BECAUSE ANDY CANCELED TODAY’S TUTE, SO IT WAS LIKE, WTF ARE WE GUNNA DO TILL HUIFEN’S PRESENTATION LATER AT 5? Since it was the start of practical assessment, we had 2hours ‘free’ la. So that was 4hours of ‘free time’.

The first hour: lunch. But something happened along the way (I think cause the snacks dispenser/vending machine didn’t have my favourite snack no more), then I lost my groove. Then I remembered wishing I had someone to look forward to(i.e. eye candy) around school for obvious reasons(I am desperate not). But all I have was Dr. Param. No I don’t. I’m just saying that so as not to appear completely pathetic &sad. Not working. Doesn’t help that Andy’s lecture today was about looooove. Idk. We did miss the introduction. Again.

Heys *me*

I feel a longing when you’re around. I need you in some way I don’t fully understand. It’s true that a day doesn’t pass by without having thought about you. You visit my mind often. I read somewhere that being ‘in love’ and ‘infatuation’ are different ways to classify the same thing. In that case, I am in love with you. It depresses me when you’re around. But also when you’re not.

And here I am now. Writing months afterwards. And it is still true that I think of you every day. And I still long for you. You have left me with a pain that will not go away. I realise now. That the pain will stay.

I stopped talking about you a long time ago. Those who I tried to express my feelings to did not take me seriously . Some tried, (wisely I suppose), to point out I was obsessing. As if I didn’t know. Problem is I don’t obsess in general. I obsess in particular. I miss you. Some have tried making fun of my feelings (whether purposefully or not I don’t know). That hurt. I express feelings that run deep. Perhaps in a passing remark that could be easily missed. Still.

How come we name our final FYP slides after Loi?

Time now: 2freakingAM, please?

Laugh out loud. I am a freak. Slap me. Sue me. Hate me. Marry me(Farid had). Roll your eyes at me(Zaf does). Stare blankly at me &go, the hell, Lela?

Oh ya. I’m such a muthafucking liar. Please don’t believe anything I said =) Translation: please, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE see right through me =( &then ask me again. Don’t make me spell it out for you.

Here is Lela Ismail at 2freakingAM. Been warned.

I think Jenny is gorgeous:)) Maybe I’m biased la. Cause I love the way she shrieks my name when she spots me from far. Yup, I’m definitely biased to people who..can pronounce my name… ……

I had a ‘plan’, but Andy ruined it when he asked my group mates if he could ‘borrow’ me for 5minutes. It was 3.30pm &we were at the Eplaza doing our shit. I was like Looking at him like, “NO, Andy, let’s meet at 5 like we said so.” I was trying to make faces at him without my mates getting suspicious.

Get nekid, people, it’s my birthday.

I’m still in my celebratory  mood.

Not.

But still.

VRE MANAGEMENT IS FINALLY OVER. So relieved, I could cry. Except I had so many things to think about that needs my attention, that I FORGOT to feel relieve. Only when Farid randomly mentioned it out of nowhere during Andy’s lecture(which was like an hour after the presentation itself), I went like, “Oh ya, VRE over.” &then we gave each other a lame high-five. &then after that it’s back down to reality. &the reality is…well, it has never been uglier. &it can only get worse from here.

MANNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn I wish I could be more optimistic, more positive about the whole everything, but sometimes it’s so hard to find these days amongst this concatenation of chaos &confusion. When what you’re doing is never congruent to what you wanna be doing. Isn’t that Life.

It’s awright. Just think short-term happiness for now.

I am craving for Lays. Damn.

I thought today was simply spectacular. AS IN AFTER THE RAIN STOPPED. It was a bit before 7pm. &I was in the bus, &it had just stopped raining. I noticed the clouds seemed closer, somehow? Like if I were to stand on top of the highest building, all I had to do was reach out &I could literally touch the fucking sky. The puddles on the ground reflected the beautiful, calm &comforting shade of cerulean blue of the sky, &made everything just so dream-ish. I wanted to just cuddle up next to this handsome stranger sitting next to me, pull my faded pink cardigan tighter over my chest &fold my arms &go to sleep forever.

&then HS jumped &left, &what took his place was this smelly secondary school kid. Sweat &rain water. Not a very nice mix. I wanted my yummy-smelling HS back. There goes the rest of the bus journey. Isn’t that Life.

&then there were 2

7:25pm
NYP Eplaza.

We’ve been here since 1 today. &then Zaf left at 5. Lidan at 6:30. Aisya 15minutes ago. &then there were 2. Just me &my Insane Woman. She’s taking over my hot seat to deal with them slides now. I’ve had enough. Hence.

Management sucks balls.

-

8:03pm
NYP Eplaza

Ha-ha.

We just saw this coolest website. Re-inspired. I can see it already..how cool OUR website’s gunna be. To add to the anticipation(&pressure), Loi’s like damn excited la. Totally digs our FYP. “Impressive,” she said, nodding her head appraisingly, after I had more or less gave her a brief summary of what we are(trying to) do.

All of us were like, “Come again?????????”

“Can I see your website? Before you confirm it,” she was saying. “Then I can give some constructive criticism to help you improve before you present to NgSE…” Wah. Loi so nice. Then we found out why: “Can you help design my website?” ..

Time now: 8:21pm.

KAMA, I WANNA GO HOME ALREADY.

Let’s get some fries first, shally?

-

9:29pm
ROOM!!!!!!!!!!(:

Home sweet home.

Sorry I forgot

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it, &behave like its there. They call it having a “Phantom Limb”. If I could remember correctly, my dad used to have one of those thing. The whole experience seemed illusionary &very psychological, but the pain..intense &excruciating, &very biological-physiological, very real.

Well I think that’s what I have too. I have phantom limb pain. The limb a form of you.

There are those random moments when something interesting strikes me. Or a revelation or a sort. &I feel like, omg I have to share this with someone! &I’d whip out my phone &I’d scroll down the list. Who to disturb, who to share this piece of info shit with, who would appreciate a random phone call about something that has nothing to do with anything. &I’d got to your name &it felt so right &then I’d stop short. What am I doing?

It should get easier as time goes by, but the hurt was as bad as it had been the first time.

Sorry I forgot.

The world was full of wonder till you open my eyes

There’s a hole in your logic
You who know all the answers

ernest says:
hows life
ernest says:
so long never talk to me

tell ur bf I said thanks says:
hahaha
tell ur bf I said thanks says:
aww
tell ur bf I said thanks says:
i miss u too
tell ur bf I said thanks says:
GRADUATED ALR SIA U WAAAAAAAAH

ernest says:
ya la
ernest says:
hahaha

I miss Ernest!!!!!!!!!

He’s the only best thing about secondary school About the 14year old me. If I could have a conversation with me, &I had to say one good thing that I did right, that was getting to know him EH IT’S A BIG DEAL, OK. ERNEST WAS LIKE SENIOR &I WAS LIKE NOBODY BUT DID I CARE NOOOOOOOOOOOO. LOOK WHERE THAT GOT ME NOW:DDDD

Sure, sometimes I brag about Peirce But I only do that cause it annoys Zafira HA-HA. Other than that, I’m not proud of it, not my 4years there… In fact, I hate it. I don’t necessary regret it, but I just hate it. Nothing personal. It’s just Lela. HAHAHA.