i wanna leave my best side behind when i go

is it dangerous, waking up from an afternoon snooze, &then finding everyone around you is being exceptionally extra annoying? &you feel like snapping their heads if they get a 2m radius near you. it’s shit isn’t it. tomorrow is Raya. i should be feeling the love.

hahahahahha sure. love.

goddd my sisters are so annoying. Killer kanna escorted back home because she was caught with coloured hair. ESCORTED BACK. BY MR.BALA. ya’ll remember Mr. Bala. i sure do… “damn you’re so embarrassing,” i muttered to my sister, who was in front of the mirror making a mess trying to dye back her hair black. then i gave her a when-i-was-13 lecture. hahahha i don’t like doing that but it irritates her, so.

“when i was 13, i don’t get escorted home by Mr. Bala. when i was freaking 13, i was fucking school prefect!” ..who didn’t contribute much. let others break the rule. &if you can’t stop them, join them.

“aw, Lela is the perfect Peircean,” she mumbled sarcastically.

“you miss a spot, bitch.”

Gynae ward44 was bittersweet. ….goodbyes are never not bittersweet in this shit aka life. even though i was only there for 1week. 1depressing week, cause like. it’s the last week of the semester break, &we had to drag our sad ass to KK. the last bunch to complete our year2sem1 attachments.

how was it ey?

don’t think it’s my cup of tea. haha. i need some testosterone luh. but still, that aside, i learnt alot from gynae. i just hope i won’t end up admitted there in the near future with uv prolapse. shit, saw a couple of those. it’s when your uterus or vagina canal totally, well, prolapse out luh, &ends up dangling between the legs. think a piece of sock. no, think penis-y. at first we thought that was a penis! the first thing that ran across my mind was, call Ryanne! call Ryanne! this lady is a pseudo-hermaphrodite!!! but no. haha.

“that’s just her uterus,” SN Dolly said matter-of-factly. just her uterus. you hear that? like my hair is just black. like my name is just Lela? you know? i was like whoa, Dolly &watched her push the just uterus back up into her vagina where it should belong. haha. her being the patient, of course…

“just now the doctor pushed it in, but it came back out,” patient had said, matter-of-factly! she might as well said, just now i flushed before i left the washroom. i was like gawking at them, like, …no… look at them both. so …easy about it! still trying to get my head around the idea of uterus &vaginal canals dangling out between my legs.

we also got to see a human embryo from an abortion:O otherwise medically known as the product of conception. long dead, of course.

“who wants to touch it?” the staff nurse asked.

whattaell. who wants to touch it? who wants to touch a real, dead human embryo???? WHO?????

syiok, pakai puyok

i hate afternoon to morning shift. it sucks the life out of me. was so lethargic, so shagged. can’t be bothered that the guy sitting next to me in the bus kept rubbing his leg against mine. when i stood up to leave, he hardly moved. so i had no choice but to squeeze through. purposely swung my bag in his face.

seeing Evelyn in the morning was a refreshing change she lied when she said she’s tired!>:F

actually kan, my tired face is, like the word Ryanne used, in fact chronic. permanently etched on my face. even when i’m not tired, i look tired. its the eye bags i think. i looked back my old photos, &i had eye bags since i was 12. the year where i had to grow up faster than normal 12 year olds, due to circumstances. trauma makes you look aged:O

could barely keep my eyes open during morning shift. had a snooze during the 1hour break at the cold, cold staff room. AisyahJ has really sweet, soothing voice, &it acted as a lullaby, as i drifted off to sleep. on the chair. in a position oh so comfortable. but prolonged had resulted in a really severe back ache. hence puyok on my back>:F syiok, i tell you. i think i could use one around my neck as well.

i laughed til i teared thanks to Zu &Aisya. smeared my eyeliner &stung my eyes. was near hysterics. laughed even louder whenever Aisya laughs because she has this really cute, distinct laughter, that’s very childlike. &kindar gurgles, kindar stammers! like there’s a short pause in intervals. i mean, Zu &I, we’re the silent laughers. so imagine stifling our already silent laughter, &then suddenly Aisya laughs her killer laugh. i choked on my own saliva &ended up crying for entirely different reason.

little things happened here &there in the ward &it made my day cause some people are simply amusing!

that would be, this way

Last night after our shift, Zu &I got lost finding ward42. …don’t need to tell you that ward42 is on the same level…… Then today we got lost again, cause we took the staff lift, &it took us somewhere else. it’s so funny; hospitals have so many lifts, but they take forever.

Nurool! Familiar?

long corridors. with lots of twisting &turning round the bends. not a place for people with modicum sense of direction. Me. when EN Juliet needed someone to go down to the OT, i had to say no. you should have seen her face. apparently she got the wrong idea. so i gave in. “Fine. I’ll go. if i’m not back in 10minutes, get someone to come look for me.”

She thought she was being helpful by getting Zu to go with me.

we looked at each other &laughed. we got lost together so many times! ……..this is going to be fun!!!

needless to say, we got lost…

a relative stopped us, asking for direction. we couldn’t possibly tell her we were lost. imagine how that would make us look. so i pointed to one direction. I’m sure that’s where the ‘private suite’ is. Relative looked confused. then i realised Zu was pointing the complete opposite direction.

so i amended myself quickly: “&then you make one big turn &….” pointed to where Zu had pointed. “you’ll reach the ‘private suite’.”

Peipei didn’t leave for break with us AisyahJ wondered why. Zu &I laughed even harder.

discretion please?

Momster tried to be funny with me. But I ain’t in any mood to layan anymore sarcastic middle-aged aunties.

Gynae ward…no action uh babe.

Rained like it never rained before. Stranded on the bus stop. Contemplated waiting, but it was 15minutes to 1pm &being late on the first day? No-no. So I tucked my headphone wire into my sweater(don’t wanna get electrocuted, though what are the chances?), pulled the hood over my head, &walked in the stupid rain. It was heavier than I was giving it credit for.

soaked through the good-for-nothing sweater right to the bones! Polka hearts boxers for all to see.

“What the fuck is that thing on your leg, Aisyah?” the first thing I said to her.

“You’re skinnier!” hers to me.

Depressed.

0.3seconds later: “ZU! WHICH WARD? MY WARD? YAY.” I miss Zulaiha ku. Ceh. She’s such a darling. She’s my Evelyn for this posting. HEEHEE.

a bit disappointed when I stepped into ward44. it looks like a normal ward. duh, what was i hoping for? A day lounge like one at IMH? i miss IMH:O

We were completely lost during passing report. All the maternal jargons:O Like pig latin to me. Left me clueless &exasperated. &in the end, I gave up altogether. Doodled on my book &wondered what to have to break fast.

Vital signs, bedpan, charting, IVdrips, maybe some dressing, blood. But there’s something missing. ..oh yar. Testosterone………… well, this is KK. &that is exactly my point.