Onco-ck

When I found out from Zaffy that Oncology lecturer didn’t give any hints for exams &was reminded that during her consolidation (more like some damn lame quiz), I wasn’t paying any attention not because I was sleepy or tired, but because I chose not to, I returned Zaf’s text message with a whole load of profanities. (Mouthful!) Zaf’s reply in a form of a profound albeit obvious observation:

"Nursing makes us vulgar."

I texted back furiously:

"Totally. We came in with good intentions, come out like ready to start WW3."

-

Any idea how FRUSTRATING it is trying to find a nice place to study? Hor, Dicky? Brr.

It’s obvious that you’re dying, dying

“How come I see a pattern here..feels like we had this conversation before.. Oh yes because I never seem to learn &then go run to you when my heart kanna hurt.”

Under a spell I just can’t break

You know the feeling. Like your chest gunna tear open &send your heart soaring into the sky. Your body gets as light as feather &you’re floating. It’s scary; you wanna hold on. You’re not ready. But it’s freeing. Cause you know, it’s only gunna get sweeter from here.

I don’t like it this way

It’s a powerful word. “No.” Don’t have full control over it yet. It requires an honest kind of self–love that is not fully mine. Yet. It asks of you to recognise what of yourself to give and what to keep. It asks for full objectivity. Detachment from expectations. Expectations of what others expect of you. Fear of failing to meet those expectations. Guilt for failing to meet those expectations. It asks to go beyond generosity. To treat yourself fairly. To refuse.

Sometime a year ago, in your backyard

To touch and feel each thing in the world, to know it by sight and by name and then to know it with your eyes closed so that when something is gone, it can be recognized by the shape of its absence. So that you can continue to possess the lost, because absence is the only constant thing.
Because you can get free of everything except the space where things have been.

-Nicole Krauss

Backyard kepe..

How come we name our final FYP slides after Loi?

Time now: 2freakingAM, please?

Laugh out loud. I am a freak. Slap me. Sue me. Hate me. Marry me(Farid had). Roll your eyes at me(Zaf does). Stare blankly at me &go, the hell, Lela?

Oh ya. I’m such a muthafucking liar. Please don’t believe anything I said =) Translation: please, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE see right through me =( &then ask me again. Don’t make me spell it out for you.

Here is Lela Ismail at 2freakingAM. Been warned.

I think Jenny is gorgeous:)) Maybe I’m biased la. Cause I love the way she shrieks my name when she spots me from far. Yup, I’m definitely biased to people who..can pronounce my name… ……

I had a ‘plan’, but Andy ruined it when he asked my group mates if he could ‘borrow’ me for 5minutes. It was 3.30pm &we were at the Eplaza doing our shit. I was like Looking at him like, “NO, Andy, let’s meet at 5 like we said so.” I was trying to make faces at him without my mates getting suspicious.

Cinta mati

And I’d give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be
And I don’t want to go home right now

Home.

My family can be an annoying bunch. Sometimes I want to run away from them, far far far away. &violently disregard any sort of association with them. Ah, what else is new. (Practice some discretion, guyssss…seriously.)

My friends can be a (cute) annoying bunch as well. Ah, idk how else to put this. My peripheral vision is still pretty much intact, guys. Ehehe. Takpurr la. Looking forward to..this Saturday.

“Have a good weekend, guys!” Wee exclaimed before she left. I was like, pfft. But Zaf was all optimistic. “Of course,” she said with a conspiratorial wink. Then I reflected: “OH YA HOR.” Zaf found it terribly amusing that SHE had to remind me of my birthday. Wow. I guess I’m way too caught up with bullshit that is school &presentation.

Speaking of which:

dkgjsakgj kasjg a’gksfgagjsjn jgsajgajg ajfojghfgajkg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!x1928u curyh!

K moving on

K, so in summary..

Today yours truly was strangled by The Insane Woman. Haha. Hai, no matter how much she loves me, Kama can never be, has never been, a fan of my ‘fro. WHYYEEE. WHAT DOES IT TAKE FOR YOU TO EMBRACE ITTTTT. Ceh, macam p.

July is gunna be a bloody one. Trust you me.

I hope you’ll find Frivolous

Time: 1:36am. I AM DONE WITH FYP. For now. For Friday. For the weekend, HOPEFULLY!that the slides don’t come back to me with problems. Sigh. But anyways. It is the weekend already

Weekend is good, even though I know I’ll probably spend it doing the stupid VRE Management presentation that’s like 10000000times worst than FYP(at least FYP is heading somewhere). &then I’ve that report to do. Stupidfuck. I might need hot mocha latte for that one.

Weekend is still good.

I haven’t showered lei, seeing that I haven’t left the computer since I got back. Not bad, considering 1)I don’t smell so bad. & 2)I was damn into FYP, damn determined to commit, UNTIL I COMPLETED IT THERE &THEN. First time! I didn’t even break for toilet/to play with my cats. Although I did stray &chat on MSN for a bit. &then the usual internet surfing…

-

I’ve decided the coolest birthday gift to me from..me:D!! Kindar. Well. I could only pray it goes smooth, &stick to the ideal as closest as possible.

Sorry I forgot

They say that when people first lose a limb, they can still feel it, &behave like its there. They call it having a “Phantom Limb”. If I could remember correctly, my dad used to have one of those thing. The whole experience seemed illusionary &very psychological, but the pain..intense &excruciating, &very biological-physiological, very real.

Well I think that’s what I have too. I have phantom limb pain. The limb a form of you.

There are those random moments when something interesting strikes me. Or a revelation or a sort. &I feel like, omg I have to share this with someone! &I’d whip out my phone &I’d scroll down the list. Who to disturb, who to share this piece of info shit with, who would appreciate a random phone call about something that has nothing to do with anything. &I’d got to your name &it felt so right &then I’d stop short. What am I doing?

It should get easier as time goes by, but the hurt was as bad as it had been the first time.

Sorry I forgot.

Day from hell

Morning was awright. &then it started going downhill.

Don’t see freedom when I hang out in the stadium no more. Maybe it was the weather. Then during lab? Wtf? Then nursing project after that? Wtf? &you..sometimes I wish you’d just stfu Pretty please? :’( Tired, you know..

Tuesday 3rd of June 2008. Big WTF.

I used to get away with so much.

What is more annoying?

“…Jari tunjuk, jari tunjuk..di mana? Di sini…” <Insert the rest of the nursery rhyme here>

2minutes later:

“Jari hantu, jari hantu…”

“THE HELL, KILA???????????”

“Heyyy..you killed my groove. I’ve got one more finger to go.”

-

I caved in. I did. Well like they say. The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.

The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly

“Do you think you can get over him?”

“No,” came my reply so spontaneously, I scared myself. Like I didn’t have to think about it. I looked at myself in the mirror, wondering where the fuck it came from. The sound of the flush at the background broke my reverie. The water had stopped running, but my hands were still under the tap. I pressed down the tap again &reached for more soap. That was the third time I washed my hands. I didn’t even use the toilet, really.

“I think you can,” Zaf said, as she got out of the cubicle to wash her hands. “I think you can get over him.”

She sounded so sure that I almost believed her. Thing is, I don’t wanna get over him. He really is the best thing to have ever happen to me.