Don’t you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

I want a photoshoot with the whole class please? Yes, inclusive of our very sexy mentor Andy Ong. Please please please please pleeeeease!!!!!!!!!! I promise I’ll leave you guys the fuck alone after that. Hahahahahahaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I swear I’ll miss every fucking one of you.

“Wait. Before that, what day is it today?”

It’s Tuesday. SO WE GELARE-D! Cannot face another chocolate for the next 2weeks la, please. (Yea right.) This is kindar like a celebration la. Since we’re finished with our assessment, &we’re about done with our presentations.

Actually no la..it just felt funny having nothing to do after school. There was at one point we were like, eh why we stay back uh. Cause we were just too used to leaving the school as late as 8. But it was 2pm &we were like eh wtf??We can go home already!!

We had an (unintentional,) open, controversial conversations about sex, &blow jobs &masturbation while downing ice cream &waffles. Very refreshing=) We’re young &curious. (&one of us?Clueless.HAHA!)

This is the life, I was thinking, &I was downing down ice cubes under the scorching sun with Kama. &now &then eyeing Zaffy &Aisya Farid in amusement as they joked around with one another. Then one of us mentioned something the presentations &we were like, shit! But very leaderly(!?!), I reassured them that we would handle it tomorrow.

I will miss this life.

This morning was like hell. Agaaaaain, I left the house way too early just to get the fuck away from the crazy mother.

The one I call mother

Just so you know I am THIS close to calling the child abuse line, MOMMIE.

The hell. The one I call mother.

Rise to the occasion

Lays Barbecue = Sex.

Think Kumar &his weed=)

Ya’ll know I’ve been craving.

So what’s the occasion? Well. I passed my assessment. CHEY BAH!!!!

Ya’ll know my weekends were Bullshit. 80% was spent in sloth centre. I came to school early today supposedly to practice but there were too many people &I just couldn’t be stuffed, so we hung out outside &just..well, I stoned. 80%, I stoned. Zaffy wanted to ‘assess’ me but I brushed her off like, whatever man just leave me to it. Then at one point she snatched away my notes which I had been staring at, &then laughed at how how fucking scared my face was cause I couldn’t answer her question.

I yawned 11times in the 8minute bus journey to school. A dozen more just sitting there outside the room. I shan’t say it was the result of sleep deprivation cause that would be a fucking lie. I slept a lot, dok I love weekends that way. Yet I hate it, cause weekends brings out the worst in me. But whatever. It’s Monday &I AIN’T GOT THE BLUES.

Corny as this gunna sound like: I hope your Monday was as fantastic as mine :*)

It’s been a while but I’m glad you came

Godd I haven’t been journaling since…idk, man. A month??? I’ve been THAT boring &uninspired. Sure, most of my pages, in retrospect, are damn emo though I’m not completely gone-case I do have imma-happy-goober entries. So it’s nice to know that I was livin’ the highs &diggin’ dem lows. Right now I’m just neither here nor there.

But ya, I’m so getting my groove back. Till then, here are a few pages.. This goes back from the month of JUNE, baby. Excuse the quality, cause I was (insert excuse here).

Protected: Hey, look. A flying fuck!

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Lazy Saturday

“Are you a lesbian?”
“That’s right.”
“That’s hot.”
“Ok.”

Who that silhouette of a small, skinny dude by the elevator belonged to anyways. Heh. (Cheers to my bad eyesight.)

It was all because Andy canceled today’s tutorial.

Time now: 11.37pm, 24th July

We were like Nomads. Moving from place to place to do our project. BECAUSE ANDY CANCELED TODAY’S TUTE, SO IT WAS LIKE, WTF ARE WE GUNNA DO TILL HUIFEN’S PRESENTATION LATER AT 5? Since it was the start of practical assessment, we had 2hours ‘free’ la. So that was 4hours of ‘free time’.

The first hour: lunch. But something happened along the way (I think cause the snacks dispenser/vending machine didn’t have my favourite snack no more), then I lost my groove. Then I remembered wishing I had someone to look forward to(i.e. eye candy) around school for obvious reasons(I am desperate not). But all I have was Dr. Param. No I don’t. I’m just saying that so as not to appear completely pathetic &sad. Not working. Doesn’t help that Andy’s lecture today was about looooove. Idk. We did miss the introduction. Again.

Heys *me*

I feel a longing when you’re around. I need you in some way I don’t fully understand. It’s true that a day doesn’t pass by without having thought about you. You visit my mind often. I read somewhere that being ‘in love’ and ‘infatuation’ are different ways to classify the same thing. In that case, I am in love with you. It depresses me when you’re around. But also when you’re not.

And here I am now. Writing months afterwards. And it is still true that I think of you every day. And I still long for you. You have left me with a pain that will not go away. I realise now. That the pain will stay.

I stopped talking about you a long time ago. Those who I tried to express my feelings to did not take me seriously . Some tried, (wisely I suppose), to point out I was obsessing. As if I didn’t know. Problem is I don’t obsess in general. I obsess in particular. I miss you. Some have tried making fun of my feelings (whether purposefully or not I don’t know). That hurt. I express feelings that run deep. Perhaps in a passing remark that could be easily missed. Still.

Snapshots of clarity

I spent an even longer time at BK Novena with Mohd Rasheedi (not Iteq) today.

“He had tubes all over him. He even had one coming out of his penis!” he was sharing. When I didn’t look even a little bit affected the way he did, he was like, “You seen worst?”

I was all nonchalant &everything. &anti-climatically I told him, “Tube out of penis is normal.”

His reaction: priceless. I still don’t know what’s funnier. That, or the story of that amah he helped who dropped her pants in front of him. Eh salah. Whose pants dropped in front of him

It is normal. Almost every patient I knew from a Geriatric ward had a urine catheter on. Yes, Rash, it’s called a urine catheter. We’ve already discussed how the tube manage to stay intact up the penis..”It’s really in the bladder neck.” Collective image above our heads of an inflated end of a tube stuck in someone’s bladder, except he was shuddering &I was just smiling wistfully to myself.

Listening to him talk about his life as a porter (eh..not life la, omg, I’m cursing him…) makes me realize how much I miss the hospital.

Sometime a year ago, in your backyard

To touch and feel each thing in the world, to know it by sight and by name and then to know it with your eyes closed so that when something is gone, it can be recognized by the shape of its absence. So that you can continue to possess the lost, because absence is the only constant thing.
Because you can get free of everything except the space where things have been.

-Nicole Krauss

Backyard kepe..

Something like you

EDITED: In all shades of gorgeous

Post FYP.

Hello, my friends. Another week coming to an end already. I’m making it a habit to bring my camera every day to school, because you may never know what you’re gunna get. I have this shit idea, of passing my camera around, &let them take whatever picture they wanna take. For example, of themselves, what they are having for lunch, their notes, etc. &then return it to me at the end of the day.

But idk, I find it hard to trust people nows-aday… *shifty eyes* Kids these days are very naughty, &are always up to something sneaky. Like, idk..lock you from outside your toilet cubicle? Idk, you tell me.

I learnt something about myself today from Andy’s lecture.