This is gunna be the world’s most memorable entry on the last day of 2007

Are you ready?

No serious.

Firstly it was today’s supposed new year celebration luh. Then secondly, going back to campus, meeting my favourite girls. Was looking forward to the freshman orientation &all! Being GLs wearing the NYP jersey! &funky school lanyard! But seriously! What could be more fun! Blind leading the blind!

Thirdly!!! Tabitha &Sam Ann going:

Okay PHOTOSHOOT ON FRIDAY JANUARY 4th! Theme: OLD WORLD CHARM/VINTAGE. Meet at Bishan MRT 10am! We’re probably going to cityhall area(opposite Funan IT Mall especially fire station, Dempsey Road). Feel free to dress up &bring your funky cameras!

Asdj afuhowfenv foinviw 921hr28fn hf283h~!!!!!*&!%@*!P!!!!~~~~~ When does an opportunity like this comes?

I DONT CARE. WHEN I GET WELL, I’M GUNNA HOLD A STUPID PHOTOSHOOT TO MAKE UP FOR THIS WASTED OPPORTUNITY. I’ll be sending text messages to YOU. &you have no choice but to come Cause seriously? I’m so fucked up right now.

Not because of the chi**** p**(it’s vulgar!), but because of the things I can’t do because of it!

I had so many plans. Ok, just one. I wanted to start project 365. &I wanted to kick start the album by taking the first sunrise of 200-fucking-8. I’m sure I can still do that now, but hey, the idea of Project 365, is to capture every single day. Preferably something new &interesting! Which I can’t achieve if I’m stuck at home on Momster’s bed, with fucks on my face &body. Can I now?

Ok yea, you know, it IS about the mufucking ******* ***! HAHA!

Begin rant:

Chicken Pox Anonymous

It all started like this. Friday morning we were in front of the mirror, examining my face.

“1, 2, 3…” I lifted my fridge. “4. 4 muthafucking blisters.”

“Looks too serious to be pimples.”

“Hey, nothing is more serious than pimples hor.”

Of course she would say that. She’s 13 &still fighting her own battle in that department Killer peered closer.

“You know what? It looks like chicken pox. That’s what.”

Blink. Blink. Blink. Then my two sisters screamed &ran for their life.

I went to the doctor today(my Doctor’s away on vacation &I got a lousy, gay doctor who could use his money to do something about the mighty distracting residing hair line). He looked really bored, that’s what got to me. I got in &told him I’ve been having fever for past 2days. &He was like, “Ok fine…” Scribble scribble. I was about to talk about my blisters when he interrupted almost patronizingly. “You’ve got rashes on your face. It’s called chicken pox.”

OH REALLY???? I didn’t notice. I scowled a lot. Maybe I was just bitter cause I was really looking forward to school. Ok no. I was looking forward to my new year celebration on Monday with the Kaku lads!!!

&I was looking forward to school too, to an extent… Instead of going back to school on the Tuesday like the rest of the population, worrying about BCLS theory &assessment(FUCK! The number of hours of clinical I have to make up!), I have an extended 2week ‘holiday’ woohoo!

Some holiday it will be, being cooped up at home with fugly blisters. What a way to welcome the new year huh. With 1500 red muthafucking spots screaming “Holla, 2008!”

But you know I don’t let things like this mess me up. It could have been worst! Like chicken pox during attachment! Or exams! Bloody hell! Funnily, I’m quite lucky

Xmas Dinner 22-style

THIS ASIAN DOLL IS DA SMACKKKKKKK.

Oooooomg. &&she’s dancing with her choreographer, Mr. T(aku macam paham. HEH). I mean, she kicked his ass, clearly! On your knees, everybody! On your fucking knees &BOW!

Let me kiss her little two magical feet

Ok back to Loser Land HAHA.

The xmas dinner with dem poly mates just now?

WIKID.

Idk why. Company I guess Food was awright! I didn’t try all &make it worth my $xx cause I was feeling kindar ill uh &that made my stomach all funky &my eyes all glazed over. But yuh! I did took a bite of that damn tasty duck meat! HAHA! Rasheedi! I ate your homie! It was damn good! Oh &eels? Stay away. Unagi is it? Ulagi? Yea. Belot. Eels. Stay away. Nasty stuff:O But all in all! Company was wikid. I felt loved, &very blessed. &very full. Actually not really. I feel like I could use a tepid sponge Nurse me! Nurse me!(hint: ZULAIHA!…ceh, macam she reads my blog:))

The exchange gift bit? HAHA, a little bersepah. I thought it would be, idk, something intimate? CEH. No luh, something like more…sombre? No, wait. Wrong word. Heartwarming! Yuh! Like, “Hey, Wany this is for you. I hope you like it. I picked it especially for you…” “Thanks Elton! That’s so nice of you!” But instead it was kindar like, “Yo Wany! For you! Ok!” Went back to enjoying the food.

Well, ya’ll know I picked out Yuwen’s name from the box. So. I had a hard time trying to find the right gift for her. I suck at picking out gifts That’s why i don’t buy them. HAHA. I KNOW. SOUNDS LIKE A SICK EXCUSE. &I’M USING IT HAH. No, serious

I wanted to get her flowers(lavender!!!). But Zafira was like, “…it’d wither in 15hours?” FINE. But it’s sexy. I’ve never given flowers for anyone before &I couldn’t think of a more perfect person(IS IT OBVIOUS?!! HAHA!). I wanted to get her something that she would like, &that would remind her of ME. Ceh macam mana punya hebat

I wont’ say what I ended up getting her luh…So…ask her yourself(good luck with that.)

Unlike the rest of the kids who like practically toss gifts at each other, I got up to Yuwen personally &was like, “Got your gift from your mysterious friend?” She shook her head. “This is it! I’m your gift! You can do anything you want to me! I’m yours!”

Have a little faith

Momster’s blood pressure shoots up every time she learns we are gunna get a haircut.

Especially me. I think it’s funny how she’s using a different approach now: “Ela, please please please, don’t shave those sides. PLEASE.” Normally it was: “ELA. DON’T SHAVE THOSE SIDES OR ELSE.” Clearly that didn’t work so well cause I did shaved my sides. &she did punished me by not talking me, but seriously what kindar punishment is that??? It was the best day of my life, most peaceful night I’ve ever had since years.

I know, my last haircut was a month ago. But my hair grows so fast it’s disgusting. Yea you heard me say this before. But I cannot emphasize it enough. It’s that bad.

We didn’t go to the usual hairdresser. We went to a different one, just for kicks. Turned out to be a disaster!

Killer wanted concave, but it didn’t turn out very concave at all. Instead she has a bob. Lina…well, Lina cried. Yes it was that bad. Mine was…well, the cool thing about having short hair, has always had short hair, no matter what they do to it, how bad can it be??? It’s still, well, short. But I was mortified. Especially when she took out a shaver. I was like NO, PLEASE. Or I won’t have a house to go home to tonight.

This is how it went when we stepped into the shop. They didn’t ask us what we wanted. Instead it was like makeover. We stepped into hell.

“Ok, this is what I will give you. The end will the short, but the fringe remain. I’ll give you spikes right down the middle. It will look good on you, I swear. Don’t you think, Doris(colleague across the room)?”

I stared at her, agog. “Ok, don’t mind me.” I glanced at Lina who was being done up by the Doris person. She was saying something like, ‘believe me, it will be very nice’, but Lina didn’t look very convinced. She looked near pissed off. You do not piss Lina Ismail off. That’s so wrong.

You should see the way they cut. Fast &furious. Snip snip snip. Once a while she would glance at me from the mirror reflection &I would fake a happy, contented smile. When she wasn’t looking, I searched frantically for my sisters. My horrified look mirrored theirs.

“Can or not?” Hairdresser asked.

Oh, NOW you ask. “Oh, it’s superb!”

Whatever. I can rock anything with Gatsby.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

I have been working on not worrying or paying much attention to certain people. That sounds bad. I do not so much mean I have “given up” on people, or that I hate these people, or that I even do not like them. But I tend to dwell on these things, these people. I often hold onto their lack of courtesy (calling back, breaking plans last minute, and so on).

I hold onto their habit of being late or saying one thing and doing another. SO in that sense, I’m learning to just let it go. To not worry about it, to not chase after these people. But to put the effort in and leave the response up to them.

This is not a bad thing. You just have to see that I am the sort that will wait around for you to call when you say you will call. I am the type to not make plans with other people because we made mention of hanging out this day or that day. I am of the sort that will wait around in a coffee shop, hang around the same block, until you get back to me if you said you would.

So you see, this is a good thing. A good lesson I am learning. Sometimes waiting around for people brings you down… And that makes me want to live life to the fullest along with the people that are here. Not waiting for the people that are coming… in a few hours… or god knows when! I’m not mad or anything. I’m not the one to be mad. I’m just saying

I wish there’s a way I could let you know, I won’t be sticking around in 2008 for you.

Do all the good girls go to heaven?

On good days I go out &shoot, &I’m happy with what I go home with. On bad days I’m just not inspired. &my pictures just don’t turn out like it used to before Those days when I don’t care how I shoot. I guess it’s true, the more you learn, the less you actually know. On good days I pick up my pen &words flow so easily. On bad days I can’t make sense of my thoughts at all.

Damn, goods days seemed so long ago.

There are times I feel wow, I’m so good at this. &I inspire myself. &there are times I feel so disgusted at myself cause I don’t seem to go anywhere from here.This horrible feeling of worthlessness. A being void of value. Then I let myself succumb to it, cause it’s easier to give in some times.

Somedays that confidence is there full force. Somedays you’re at peace with yourself. Somedays you’re okay. And somedays you’re not okay. Somedays you let that one thing get to you again, like it’s been getting to you for the past 3 or 4 years. Somedays you lose your confidence. Somedays that peace is hard to find.

I’m so screwed up.

I had a chat w/Rasheedi some time back, &we came to the conclusion that we are the acquired taste, the prodigy, the talent who flatter to disappointment. In other words, we are some kindar freak. We are so promising, yet so.

That talk was nice. It was comforting, knowing there’s someone out there who’s a freak like me But yea! It made me feel Ok to be myself, to continue to be myself.

There are times when I have nothing to say and I’m okay with that. Because that’s who I am. But then there are times when I can’t think of anything to say and I just torture myself on the inside for not being able to think of anything interesting or worthwhile to say. So I remain silent outwardly, while inwardly there is a whole conversation against myself.

I used to hate it when people point me out as timid, or shy, or quiet. “YOU DONT KNOW MEEEE!” &that’s exactly the case. They don’t know me. I am aware I come off as being way too laid-back, that Fad questioned whether nursing is really right for me… I didn’t like that. People judged my abilities from the way I carry myself. Well, how else can they judge, am I right? So I put in more …enthusiasm in the things I did, but I thought, why should I prove anything to them? So I dropped it like it was hot.

I’m chill, cool &calm, composed, but I’m not a muthafucking rock. I do respond to my surrounding, albeit slow perhaps, but I’m just really taking my time. &it gets to people, cause they view it as being pretentious, ignorant, slow, dense, thick, boring, “emo”(HAHAHA, the best). &the word Rasheedi used: I think (we’re) untouchable.

Will you try to make me feel better?

Yeah, we lose friends. But we find friends too, in places we never thought to look. And they’re better friends, truer friends. And we’re better and truer to them.

-Steven Pressfield (The War of Art)

2007. friendships were tested. friendships will always be tested, so no biggie. I just wanna say i’m thankful for those who stick around. those who left, but came back &stayed for good. i’d like to stress that: stayed for good cause there’s leaving, &then there’s gone. two different things altogether.

people always turned out to be more than we bargained for. those we thought were ordinary friends turned out to be more than just ordinary after all

someone like me doesn’t have a lot of friends. ok that sounds depressing. haha! it’s nobody’s fault, i put myself there. it’s been a really really long while since i’ve called someone a ‘bestie’. i don’t have that kind of privilege. i didn’t belong anywhere. then i met the Kaku HAHA. it’s weird. who would knew.

actually they were there all along. just never spoke of

His creation

Did anyone else notice the full moon today? IT WAS MAGNIFICENT.

sure, full moon. yuh whatevs. BUT THIS IS DIFFERENT. it wasn’t merely a dot in the sky. this time, it was huge. (maybe because I was seeing in from my 8th story corridor). It was big, distinct, &beautiful. i could see the details on it. i was that close.

it felt so surreal. i wish i had someone to share the moment with.

it would have been perfect if my Gdad hadn’t been in the picture. spoiling my view. He was in my peripheral vision, peeking behind the gates &looking at me questioningly.

i felt like i’ve finally lived. HAHAHA IT WAS BRILLIANT I SAY! if i could i would have just stood there along the corridor, &stared at it for the rest of the night. but Gdad had called Momster out, worried probably… HAHA.

the full moon was beautiful, it took my breath away. i am humbled.

Fighting my heart out in this losing battle

Don’t pour your heart out to everyone.
They don’t know you.
Your heart. The beauty hidden inside of you.
You can show them, but if they don’t see you for who you are,
do not push it on them.
Let them be who THEY want to be to you.
You can’t force someone to appreciate you.Meantime fix yourself
You can’t fix anyone else.
“Be the change you wish to see.”
Let yourself love, &be loved
Let yourself be inspired, &inspire
Appreciate others, and in turn, if they’re right for you,
they will appreciate you.You hold a beauty inside of you that only a few will see.
If they care enough, they’ll look.
When they look, they will find it.

There are walls you’ve built without realizing.
&as much as you want to let them in, you’re blocking them.
But if they’re supposed to see it, if they really want to-
they will tear those walls down until they find it.

The harder they work to find it,
the more care they will take once they’ve got it in sight.

I’m torn>:F

Meantime. give me til 2008 …give him til 2008.

Just do it luh, come on already

Enough said luh hor.

Your place, or my place?

crazy choreography that does justice to a sexy kickass song. Paralyzer by Finger 11. enjoyst.

so i may not be as smooth as them crazy dancers(that guy with the crazy curls AAAHHAHAhotness beyond doubt!) but me &my sisters have learned how to crank that to Soulja Boy, yaw!!! yea, we’re so gangsta! …we smelt like one too!!!

good workout. ya’ll should try

this is 1, this is 2…where is 3?

what did i do when i get up this morning?

SKATE!

i didn’t bother to shower or have my breakfast. well, unless you count consuming on a bar of Mars breakfast. but yes. there i was. bra-less, with last night’s eyeliner. a bar of Mars in one hand &a skateboard in another. sneakers without socks on. inappropriate footwear for skating, but it was 10am dok.

i went downstairs with Killer. well, I made her come downstairs with me

it’s been a while luh, that’s all!

Killer decided to do some tricks.

Perfection has a due

April 2007. He came into my life, like a meteor across a night sky. He brought a new meaning to my life, he really did. If there were a soundtrack to this moment, it would be this>:F

Yea…Innocence by Lavigne. A cover by the superdupertalented Matt.

but hoh, there’s nothing innocent about you &I.

5days after knowing him: it was like flying on nitrous oxide.

The perfect image I have of you
Stands undeterred
Don’t break this spell
You’re so beautiful to me

He taught me so much. He taught me that there’s always the sun after the rain. &that I am as strong as my weakest link. He also taught me that a girl’s decision now is a woman’s regret later. He taught me that someone can be there one day, &be gone the next. He’s one hell of a good example.

May 2007…