are you thinking what I’m thinking, P1?

usually it’s not like me to check people out luh. i’m always the last to notice anyone, matter of fact. (”Did you see that guy!?!” “..no.” “he’s hot!” “..sure? wouldn i have noticed him then?*bored*”)

but just now i was totalley checking out Duck’s friend. HAHA. it was dark so that was an advantage. (if you’re reading this, Rasheedi, please keep quiet eh:D).

no wonder people have sex in the dark.

i was like looking &i actually said: “Hi, friend.” (did i say hi to Duck? didn’t think so.) then i was like, fuck where did that come from? the superman shirt i was wearing? or the product of consuming 3sticks in 13minutes…

“i brought gums for ya’ll!”

“uh. no thanks,” friend said.

“..fine lor.” rejected.

HAHAHAH. ader gitus?

eh then besides that, actually school wasn’t so bad today

lights out!

dropped my RAZR:’( then there’s a scratch. heart pain.

hating my eyesight on days like this. i told him if i were to see him on monday, i’d want to see him smiling &telling me everything’s everything(you know what that means. yea, everything’s all good -Drumline). but he was a distance away; only saw him waving. didn’t see his crazy smile.

but he should be ok luh

sometimes i think i come on too strong? :O either that, or i don’t come at all? HAHA. BALANCE WHERE? NOO it’s not me. it’s the people. they trigger my On button. or they don’t. intermittent, no such thing.

Huifen &I have the same phone we’re soulmates. virgins pulak tu>:F

Evelyn was EXCEPTIONALLY sweet today. HAHAHA. a bit scary actually. don’t need to shout “L*la is stunningly pretty today”, right? very very very awkward, especially when people around were like anything but hollering: “YEA! LELA IS!” which was the ideal reaction luh, of course. but never mind! beauty lies in the eye of the beholder. or Evelyn forgot her meds in the morning again.

“is it my PINK belt! or is it because i bathed for the first time this month!”

but seriously? it’s so not like Evelyn to compliment. so when she does, better take her word for it. so i took her word for it, that today i was stunningly pretty. in her eyes. though i heard something which i wasn’t supposed to… HAHA.

plain white T’s has its thang on Evelyn Tan Wei Yu>:F

it’s the hair, she said. i will try my best to recall what i did to it this morning, &hopefully give the same effect for the rest of my tertiary life in NYP, if possible. wants to charm Evelyn off her socks, if i could. HAHAHAHA. or hide her meds……

first was my computer. now my laptop dah siaozxxxsxs. blog at school lor. i’m ok though, except doing projects’ a bitch now. i pity my sisters.

thumbdrives are a genius.

i take back my words when i said “might not be any updates soon”. they will be updates, just not very up-to-date. meaning, entries will come 2, 3days belated luh. so you guys just…stay tune luh keep coming luh, in another words. don’t stop coming!!! as if i’d let a fucked up laptop get in the way between me &you

finally, some use of the Eplaza. HAHAHA.

rushed through a tutorial assignment, which ended up pretty awright high five!

ended at 2(otherwise, 4)! the earliest i could get from a fucked up schedule(but still quite ok luh…). met up with Nurool at the library, where i gave her my birthday present in a form of video remix, starring us!

notebook rosaks.

in other words. FUCK LUH CANNOT USE THE LAPTOP. can’t even get to my desktop. so don’t expect any updates anytime soons>:F

LATERSS

i wish you well

i could have chose not to
but you’re my friend.
&so is ‘everybody’

i apologize for caring.

the importance of being idle

nyp’s elearning day today. when sp’s got elearning fucking week. big HAH, nyp!

now i’m having trouble trying to access into my nyp account. yippee. there goes one friday worth of attendance. bye bye!

…so i’ve heard luh. for those who don’t know what elearning is(Noratiah): think Email. … yea? yea? somewhat lessons.. via online. which is genius, but think about it: what about those who doesn’t owe a computer???? or those who has one, but the connection’s such a fuck??? or those techno n00b(me)?

learning should take place voluntarily, not by blackmailing. …&that is making elearning compulsory &evidences that you’ve done elearning is the completed survey, which could be found in the nyp website where you are also required to download the ‘module lessons’. otherwise you’ll be considered absent for all the supposed modules that you supposedly have on Fridays. &that! will affect your attendance which will later!determine whether you’ll get to sit for your exams or get your ass kicked if you even had a foot into the exam hall.

tak ke blackmailing tu?

i still can’t access into my account. I wonder how Big D is doing regarding all this.

this is how i spent my Elearning day

why is my RAZR blinking blue…

&the message tone is buruks to the maxes. i’m such a techno n00b. there were so many new models, but i picked an old motoRAZR. why? because it’s orange!!! high*ness. but truth be told, i’m still head over heels for my current customised skullified Sony E. though it’s been ages since i update the playlist &the DIY covers are peeling at the edges. sometimes during boring lectures i find myself fingering the rough edges &almost subconsciously tearing some off bit by bit.

i value my belongings. because growing up with 2other sisters, i don’t have many things that i call my own. dude, we share our undergarments damn it. &the guitar which used to be mine(as in, no touchy the G!) is now Killer’s as well, ever since she self-taught herself the guitar. my S3 IS definitely not just mine apparently, cause sometimes Lina brings it to her social functions.

my phone is the only thing i possess that is truly truly truly bloody truly mine, mine, mine. what model from whichever year it is, is secondary. (but apparently the colour matters…HA-HA). my phone is a really really big deal.
i love my phone, right? i especially love the Nokia i had, the one with the crack on the screen cause i sat on it? the one i lost when i sent Mac to the vet. i love my current Sony E cause it’s so me. it’s made to fit me, i believe. had it barely for a year. it’s still working mighty fine, except for the scratches &the main button’s missing. but heck, it’s still fine. playlist could use an update, but i lost the antenna anyway, so there.

i didn’t really need a new phone; but it was free so what the heck. my sisters were furious because i didn’t pick a newer model. but i couldn’t resist it when i saw the guy at hello! carrying an ORANGE motoRAZR. ORANGE LEI. i dropped the Sony E (forgotten the model but it was definitely a new model), &pointed to the Motorola. “I WANT THAT.”

“you sure? it’s pretty old.”

“I WANT THAT, CHRIS, DAMN IT.”

“ok ok, don’t need to scream. come down from the table already! SECURITY!”

ok now the RAZR is blinking red &blue… hurhur. getting anxious ++

i’m a conspiracy

easy with the compliments you guys. i’m so shy!!! ……………

BLUEK.

hai. pakai baju salah, tak pakai baju salah. can’t please everyone huh! but thanks luh, for making me the talk of the town. -covers contours. haha! but seriously luh. i was just letting out my femininity. i’m like a butterfly that’s just freed from her bloody cocoon. not really. there never was a cocoon… but eh, seriously there’s a sexy beast underneath the tshirts &jeans &sneakers (&socks that never match). well, if you’re into flat-chested short-haired girl who’s 99.9% never with you

kidding. i’m always with you. even though sometimes it doesn’t seem like it.

so what’s your kind of sexy?>:F

Vending machines are sexy. Kan, Zaf? HAHAHA. &North canteens.  Kan, Kama??? (inside joke)

Lela’s definition of sexy is… one name comes to mind: MICHELLE SEGAL. but unless fated, i probably won’t see her again:’(

ok seriously. sexy is someone with the air. …&i must like you luh. important criteria! HAHA. &i like everyone. so everyone of you is sexy.

i’m in a better mood today

i almost punked Zaf. but she pulled off my covers at the nick of time. BUT I WAS GOOD, WASNT I. very sly, sleek, &subtle. those my middle names. …damn a lot luh, but yar. the bottom line is i have my ways or like Zaf, you could say i’m Naughty.

goods to spend my 4hours with Zaf today!

goods to see Paul &Sarah today!

goods to hear from Nana today!

goods to hear from SRIEEEEEEE, AAAAAAHHHH.

goods to play Stress today! HEH. actually we’ve been playing for some time already, me &Kama. but i’m mellow, &Kama is just damn pro. so, its quite boring luh. fun begins when we got Zaf to play against Aisyah Farid. one loud &the other plain clueless. kekeks sey. so kerohrable. heh.

let’s play Stress

Momster asked when i was bringing my friends over for Raya. i told her i didn’t have any. &she was like, “dah suspect dah.” …wait til i bring the KaKu home.

speaking of home… i got home to an empty house today. everyone’s gone to Aunt Mia’s place. which is cool, as long as they bring home something to eat. i’m famished.

the Passive one

why do you keep popping now? not that i have a problem. then Evelyn just has to say you’re good looking! that sure threw everything off balance. i was like :O i didn’t need to know that! definitely not the first word that i’d used to describe him anyways.

i remember i managed to avoid that question when it was first thrown to me. by him of course. i stalled, then somehow managed to drop it like it was hot. i have my ways but eh, is he fast or what. 2hours after my request, he delivered i didn’t thought he would take me seriously.

“do i have to pay you!?”

“just $50.”

“just $50 yer…”

ok ok gots to focus de. HAHA i meant gots to focus FULL STOP.

today i’ve got the blues

not sad luh. quite ok. just out of sorts. like i wasn’t quite with anybody. which explained my very subtle disappearing act… the voluntary seclusion luh gitu. after school, instead of heading home with Zaf &Kama, i stayed behind with Aisyah Farid. but even though i was with her physically, in mind i was somewhere else. nothing personal! Aisyah’s a ball to have around<3 but it’s just one of those days.

but there were a couple of perks in a form of the Hotsex. NUROOL. HAHAHA. don’t wake the beast, which is my lesbian heart.

&Ib, who appeared out of nowhere when i was heading home just now. ok, not really nowhere. he was from behind luh. my answers were blunt &monotonous, like speaking alone took a whole load of energy from me.

ok basically i’m not very proud of how i’ve lived today. should have done so many things differently. to Aisyah, to Nurool! should have whacked her in the ass where it was smoking!!! HAHA.

but i won’t look back luh. in some ways i could have said something. a thoughtful word, a simple smile. but all my smiles never reached my eyes. &Ib clearly didn’t stick around. hahaha. but ey he was probably rushing for tutorial or something, idk. but i know i’m never the one to be too quick to judge.

but if i change my heart today, tomorrow will be okay.

cause the Momster refused to entertain us

THE REST HERE.

chialats. my sisters are an embarrassing bunch. remind me not to go out with them on Sunday. or any days………………………… unless desperate

Killer is embarrassing because she has bipolar has her occasional sudden outbursts of vulgarities(believe me, she’s a many times worst than me. at least i practice discretion; she simply swears out loud. most of the time, at people. most of the time, me.).

if she’s not spurting fucks &pukis &this other famous word which i can’t spell, she’s …tittering. &i think that is worst. at least when you’re angry, people can understand. but when you’re laughing out loud for absolutely no reason(&there really is no reason), people just think you’re psycho. well, i do think she is a little cuckoo up there.

&then Lina is embarrassing because she has her quirks… i can’t put a finger on! so i’ll give an example: we were going down the escalator. a bunch of guys were going up. &they were talking. not loudly or anything, but you know how sometimes we could hear very small bits of the conversation of the people that walk by, right?(Zafirah loves it.)

so one of the guys were saying, “raya tahun depan, aku sewa bus besar untuk korang.” then Lina, being Lina, without a beat, said out loud: “YE KE?” &them guys, without missing a beat as well, retorted back in an equally mocking tone: “Yer, cik adek. nak ikut bersama ke?“

then we were like :O! cause we didn’t thought they heard her. skali from the overheard bridge, the guys hollered for our numbers(well, hers, cause all the while Killer &i were like edging away from her in an attempt to make it look like we had nothing to do with her. but then it wasn’t convincing cause just earlier on i had kicked her in her butt… who kick strangers in the butt?)

ok wait, my sister’s not that sort of typical girls who likes to attract attention from guys luh. she’s the sort who likes to, basically, disturb people(Sriee’s term). she does it all the time; interrupt people’s conversation. usually the victims don’t hear her(they are not supposed to). at most if those do, they just give her confused/dirty looks.

but it was fun going out with them, very thrilling. like every second i expected people to tell us off, or shop owners to kick us out of their shops etc. what with Killer cursing once every 90seconds, Lina mocking anybody that’s in her way.

“If you would get arrested, Syak, probably because of your offending rage &the swear words that come with it. Lina, on the other hand, would probably get arrested for disrupting the peace,” i was saying.

“fuck luh. then what about you?” (as if i need to tell you who said this.)

“hmm…i’d probably be arrested for murdering you annoying fucks.”

school update &everything else in between

short story shorter, school has been miserable &it has only been 1week. timetable is arranged in a way that’s not social life-friendly. &by the time i get some me-time, i’d be too drained. &by me-time i meant me &my camera.

Mondays, i can live with. Tuesdays we end at 8pm. Wednesdays end early, &so’s the rest of the student population in NYP so that’s hardly fun. Thursdays from 9 to 6, &we have a 2-hour break for a 50-minute tutorial. i see myself skipping this module in near future. it’s so skippable… no it’s not, but circumstances make it skippable. &Fridays the start of our elective module; otherwise we’d end at 1pm. damn, 1pm. thinking of possibilities of what i could otherwise do after 1pm makes me cry.

NYP SHS elective modules are terminally boring i refuse to share. on the contrary, i’m looking forward to mine, cause it’s under Teresa. from what Ib has enlightened me about the module, i gathered Teresa is the bomb. ¬ to mention, i’d be on my own there’s that thrill about being on your own, instead of always being in a clique &everything.

similar, but never the same. that’s school for you. a sad routine it is, almost to the point of being predictable &therefore mundane. the stress, the challenges, the problems, even the friends(because in Poly, you’re stuck with the same group for 3years); seem like you’ve been there before. &yes you have…last semester but there’s something about the whole thing that’s mockingly different. everyday is the same, new day.

why is it my posts always end up in a huge mess of confusion? like my brain’s on overdrive. why the fuck am i even thinking all that, why do i even bother to be coherent?

it’s a Saturday

fall in love with me

one day someone will love my awkwardness

they will love my nervous, anti-social habits

how i twist the ring around my finger

and bite my lips

and stand in corners

one day someone will love my quiet confidence

that sometimes bursts not so quietly

they will like my many opinions

and that I am an intellectual

analytical mind

and when I don’t speak

it doesn’t mean I have nothing to say

and that I am in fact always right

they will love my secrets

that I enjoy people-watching

and bring my camera almost anywhere I go

and when I have one in my hands,

I don’t like to be rushed

and you will need to wait

and that I used to watch X-files when I was young

but never came round to watching every episode till the end

cause I’d be too scared and it was way over my bedtime

I love aimless strolls

that I still do know all 7names of Brit pop band S Club 7

that I love the supernatural and wish I were a vampire

that I choose the possibly longest route to get anywhere

and to get lost in book stores for hours

someone will love my mellowness

and will join me during one of my mellow-sessions

appreciate my past and the journey I’ve taken

laugh at the fact that I look horrible in photos, ALWAYS, and sometimes on purpose

and that I love rooftops

who will love to look through the millions of photos in my phone Gallery

someone who will love my obsession for poetry

and inspire me to write it

he’ll love my profanity

and my sarcastic nature

we will spend days laughing at ourselves[but mostly other people of course]

one day someone will not want me to change

but spot me change for a coffee

someone who will eat my burnt brownies

and do the most adventurous things with me

and we’ll live like we will never end

someday someone will love me with the Afro out

no shoes, barefoot, and forcing them to dance with me in the living room

one day someone will love how I am without my walls

or fears, or trepidations

someday someone will love and adore my awkwardness

someday someone will fall in love with me

if only you knew

i first noticed him when i was about to alight from the bus, &he was there leaning against the pole, taking short, hurried drags from his cigarette. a crowd was forming as people streamed out of the mrt, &he joined them. his face was tight, &there was a slight frown. he took another drag, somewhat furious. or annoyed, it was hard to tell. but i never remembered he ever looking like that.

i tried to remember what was it about him that made me trip the first time. i couldn’t seem to get any ideas. has it been that long?

when i finally got off the bus, i searched the crowd, only to lose him.

once in a while he would reappear, &then disappear out of sight again. maybe it was the pace of the crowd; that was why i was taking exceptionally brisk steps. no, i wasn’t trying to catch up with him.

as i reached the bend, i spotted him again, by the dustbin. he was still puffing away. a stern-looking security guard by the entry of the campus, watching him intently. i was getting nearer. someone abruptly overtook me, &i almost lost my balance &caused a human chain reaction. the sudden change of flow got his attention. he saw me; clumsy &awkward. but i didn’t look his way. i concentrated on getting my pace. then again, i rarely look at anybody’s way. it’s just me &my destination: bioscience tutorial with Dr.Sann.

i was walking, way passed him, &at the same time, counting. waiting for him to catch up. waiting is all that i seem to do. i was careful to keep my pace; it was impossible to not be swept away with the rest of the crowd. when i felt someone brushed past me, rather roughly, i knew it was him. i didn’t even bother to feign surprise. a lazy look was what i gave him; please understand, it was 8:45 in the morning &i hadn’t had anything to eat. ok, weak excuse. i just didn’t want to be seen too gratified by his presence. which i was, obviously.

like i would if it were any Tom, Dick or Harry. it’s essential to have a friend to kickstart the day, &what better person than him?

we walked the rest of the way to tutorial, conversation flowed easy. &that was when the answers finally got to me. how i was attracted to him in the first place.

but things are different now. 9months ago, my heart wouldn’t be able to take it, being with him. the idea of standing so close that i could feel the heat from his skin &i could count the number of facial hairs on his chin, was just madness. something i wouldn’t dream off cause things like that only happened in movies. &then that smile. knowing that smile was only meant for me. at least, at that time luh.

i can’t say how things changed, but i don’t look at him like that anymore. another crush-turn-mutual friend. &i’d rather it that way, truth be told. because feelings complicate.

i wish you well, really.

alphabets of life

words of wisdom: when life seems fucked up, &things don’t turn out very nice, &people are against you, just turn around &give them the finger.

i wish i had spoken up. i thought i’m the wayang one, but clearly i’m perfectly sane compared to some others. man, this is life, right? life is never fair; fact it’s far from that F word. instead it’s B for Bullshit, C for Cunts, D for Dicks, E for Eat my shit. &if there is any F, it would be the word Fuck.

why people have to make a fat deal out of something so small, i don’t understand. i mean the world doesn’t revolve around you; you don’t like it, i’m sorry, just gots to live with it. can’t get along with that person? i’m sorry you’ve got to find a way to make it work. that’s life. you don’t get to choose who you work with; same here. why so bothered over it anyway? you’ve got us, that’s all that matters kan? something may crop up &but there is nothing. we. can’t. do. together. right?

i wish i had spoken up, but i know if i had, it wouldn’t be very nice

but all’s good now. i just thought everything was very absurd & not to mention, unnecessary

another word of wisdom: be selfish, fine. just don’t hurt people along the way luh. &be prepared to be bitched about hahahahhahahahhaahhahaha. that’s not a real laugh by the way. &this is not a real words of wisdom. more like words of caution.

that aside, …Killer’s friend came over for Raya, without any warning. she wasn’t very pleased, &that is an understatement. she was like, tell them i’m not at home! from the volume of her voice, i was like, nuh i don’t think i have to tell them anything you kindar just told them yourself already.

another words of caution: i would kill whoever comes over my house without my permission. uh, i mean, without calling me first.